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4 E/ S( N( o/ J"Times New="New" Roman"">父母在,我总要回北京过年的,哪怕年假用尽,请事假也得回来。看看春节前国人从各地往家乡赶的情形,就说明这节日的重要性。回家乡同父母一起过年,是一种责任,至少对多数中国人是这样的。出国流浪二十多年,只有头几年因政治原因不能回国,每年都要回来的。第一次回国时是在一九九四年。现仍记得第一次回国时从北京机场走出的情景。母亲见到我后,搂着我不说话,一个劲儿地掉泪,然后跟着我和接机的亲友往机场外面走,快走到接人的车前,母亲开口了:4 {: W$ V6 i W; R/ m
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6 |0 g! V5 l% Y, i, \"Times New="New" Roman"">时间是急性子,一年又过去了,父母又老了一岁了,我也大了一岁,离老年的门槛差不了几步。今年又回来过年了。到家没几天,时差还没倒过来,便听到除夕的鞭炮声,朦朦胧胧地进了新年。时间车轮转得真快,催人欲老。兔子当家还没当够,龙就迫不及待地来接班。时间年轮转得也真够狠的,转眼就把我碾成货真价实的老梆子。我生活工作在海外,离退休年龄(2 o6 K R* U. C: u* g/ Y$ m$ p9 b/ Dmso-fareast-font-family:宋体">65# E% c/ }- A( p: G6 J
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1 W. ?5 f7 k* }. Y) m: emso-bidi-font-family:"Times New="New" Roman"">可怕。四五十岁就退休,想想就可怕,更可笑。, a5 b1 f3 L" Z1 y6 M |
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"Times New="New" Roman"">年龄上,我承认自己是老梆子,心理上不认可。我仍像孩子那样贪玩,像年轻人那样好胜,仍能在空气稀薄的青藏高原上踢球。我承认时间的年轮已把我碾得越来越老,越来越丑。我能愉快地接受叔叔或大爷级别的帽子,还不能接受爷爷级别的帽子。! @3 t- r8 J; N! I V# w宋体"> $ G0 G% Q" w/ F- j# L: L
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. f9 ~( u& G; W1 k3 c5 V3 r0 jmso-bidi-font-family:"Times New="New" Roman"">级别的帽子,陪着父母接受小辈的拜年。幼时盼过年,现在怕过年,怕过年的一些风俗。过年要接待和走访平时无任何往来的人,一天接着一天地,陪着年迈父母累着,虚伪地应酬着八方来人。从初一到初七,天天瞎忙着,却不知在忙什么,不做还不行。好像一切为了过年而过年,幼时过年的欢喜已不在了。当无穿新衣的期待,当无偷吃的欲望,当无燃鞭炮的兴趣的时候,过年就成了为别人过年或成了别人的节日。: v* d& F# m3 }3 X" D- O
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"Times New="New" Roman"">现在怕过年,怕小辈叫我,那不是白叫的,得给压岁钱。春节各地习俗不尽相同,压岁钱却是相同。长辈给晚辈,挣钱的给不挣钱的,结婚的给未结婚。对我这个海外穷人,压岁钱成了负担,令人心惊肉跳。压岁钱数额也水涨船高,年年见涨。现在几百块一份的压岁钱会让白眼,上千块一两份 还能承担,可架不住一连串平时无任何往来的小辈叫我叔叔大爷。现在过年,于我少了些期待却多了份责任, 而我总扮演不好自己的角色。压岁钱表面上是发给晚辈的,实际上是长辈间的俗不可耐的人情世故。我曾瞎想,我要是有百八十个孩子,那该多好。过年开辆面包车,拉上一车孩子到处串门,一路叫爷爷奶奶叔叔阿姨,那应该是个很好的敛钱路子。说穿了,怕派发压岁钱还是自己太穷。过年期间,钱包眼看着越来越瘪。春节已成了春劫。
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"Times New="New" Roman"">过年让人怀旧,让人想起故去的人。从去年春节到今年春节,陆续走掉了不少亲戚、同学和朋友。去年还在一起吃喝胡侃和电话聊天的他们,今年却化成一把灰或躺在地下木盒子里。生命是脆弱的,一人只一次。每人在自己的哭声中来到这个也许不想来的世界,又在别人的哭声中离开这个不想离开的世界。我们面对与己毫不相干的别人的故去时,都感叹生命的短暂。当死亡发生在身边时,才可能感受真正恐惧,开始对上天敬畏。在短暂生命中,更多人活在虚伪里,活在名利和金钱里。我时常会感叹,人这一生,到底为了什么?即使到了老梆子时候,我还在朦胧中,站在人' Y; S4 d# z) W; }% L
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